INFINITELY GO AGAINST THE GRAIN

Is Black Liberation equivalent to Racism?

2008-05-01T22:47:00.000-07:00

Liberation defined is:
1. The act of liberating or the state of being liberated.
2. The act or fact of gaining equal rights or full social or economic opportunities for a particular group.

I was listening to a reporter from FOX news today, and when asking a question he stated that pastor Jeremiah Wright was preaching hate, racism, and black liberation. The context in which he stated it among those other terms were as if it were a bad thing. And that is when my mind started going. When, or rather who determined that a black man teaching others to liberate themselves from the confines of their minds or environment is a bad thing. I get angry just thinking about it, because I feel like anyone who tells or encourages people to break away from the limitations others have set upon them is doing something pretty phenomenal. Please don't mistake my opinion, because I am neither condemning or condoning any of Wright's comments....but when the media takes it upon themselves to frown upon "black liberation", it's almost like a slap in the face. As if black people are supposed to just accept their sad state and position in life and be grateful. I say fuck that! I apologize for my crassness, but that is honestly how I feel. Because I believe there are NO LIMITS, except for the one we impose upon ourselves. Not what others think they should be---and that goes for everyone, whether you are black, white, yellow, green or blue.

Just my opinion.

Is it over?

2008-04-29T21:20:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever felt like there was something, or someone that they are missing in life? That is kinda how I feel right now. WAIT!!! No this is not going to be a sad pitty party for me story...but Iwas just reflecting on how I think I missed an opportunity---because of my own...I don't know, insecurity...shyness...imaturity maybe?? I don't even have the energyto get into all of the details, but needless to say I am not feeling too good about myself right now. I feel like I need to just freaking grow up...and yet, Ill be 27 this year...hmmm.

LOL---I don'tknow. We'll see, all may not be lost. That is the optimist in me always hoping for the best.

I guess only time will tell.

Please come soon

2008-04-15T21:24:00.000-07:00

OMG....Friday just can't come sooner! Today is Tuesday...tax day to be exact---and the procrastinator that I am finally filed today, (ahhhhh)----the sigh of relief. But I consider it a blessing, hell "I'm not so hung up for money that I could actually wait until the last minute before it comes"....haha, yeah...that's what I tell myself.

So far this week has been one of those weeks where I feel like I am being tested. My patience, my kindness, my tolerance...all simultaneously. What is a girl to do? I'm not so sure, but this lady is going to pray to God that Friday comes soon and very soon. I think I'm going to go and dance my buttocks off at this spot I heard of in H-wood called Sugar. I've never been before, but I passed it one Friday night with my girlfriends and it seemed like fun---I spotted a lot of folk'.

Truth be told I just want to dance...hell I need to release some of this pinned up aggression/tension, and what better way then work my frustrations out on the dance floor. Plus I'll get a workout in, so at least I'll be multi-tasking.

(sigh)....Friday can you come any sooner? (bad grammar I know, but hey---I'm tired).

Procrastination

2008-03-19T19:31:00.000-07:00

Damn. Here I go again. I'm supposed to be doing something else right now---writing an article. But of course I am here on my blog typing an entry. LOL---funny thing is, I haven't been here in over a month. Only when I am actually supposed to be doing something else is when I decide to write an entry. Crazy. Anyways, I thought I would take the time to reflect on last week. My girlfriend came into town, (we went to school together), and she visited for a little over a week. I have to say I felt like the worst host ever, cause she couldn't have come at a worser time. I work in TV, and a 3 month strike just ended, so we've been very busy getting productions going. And of course that meant I wasn't able to take of time from work. So needless to say, she spent a lot of time in our (my sister and I) apartment. Which is really sad, considering we live in LA and there is so much to do. But I was just happy because my friend was here. I didn't realize how much I missed her until she got here. Although I have to say, she did read me the riot act one night, and let me know that I've "changed"---and not neccessarily in a good way. I don't know, I listened to her and received what she had to say. I mean, she is my friend who I've known for years---one of my bestfriends---and she of all people would know wht indeed is different about me within the 4 years I've been away from her. Some of the "changes" noted were that I was mean, not spiritually balanced, anxiou and impatient, and just all around negative. I'm not the soft, positve, nice, open, spiritually sound Sheika I once was. I received her criticism, becuase I do feel that she was correct on some points. I must admit I am in a weird place right now. But I somewhat felt that my friends observation....

Open Letter to Tavis Smiley

2008-02-14T17:48:00.000-08:00

Hello,
I am writing in response to Mr. Smiley's recent criticism of Barack Obama. I have to say that I listened to Mr. Smiley subtly attack Obama at our church (the City of Refuge) last year when he wasn't able to attend another event of his, and I was very disappointed. I am a young, 26 year old, educated African American woman---and this is the first time that I have been moved to get involved in my country----yes this is because Barack Obama is running. Don't get me wrong, I am just as excited that there is a WOMAN running for office (who has a serious chance of election). But I have to ask this question of Mr. Smiley----is he ready for the change that is going to occur when Obama and Michelle get into the White House? And why would he dare try to rob this man of his chances, or make people second guess whether he is "down enough"? I am so disgusted and turned off by Mr. Smiley's arrogance and total disregard of what Obama and Michelle are trying to achieve in this country. They are not simply concerned about our people, they are concerned about ALL people---how can you bash a man for that. Is that not Christian? Is that not humane----no to mention, Obama's record has proven ten fold that he is looking out for the best interest of his people----his record in Illinois proves that. Please don't misunderstand my rant, my concern is that Mr. Smiley is not seeing the big picture, and attempting to use the same divisive tactics that politicians use to separate and conquer. But I will say, as an EDUCATED young, 26 year old African American female I will not fall for Mr. Smiley's ridiculous outburst for the sake of gaining attention to his event, or relevance for that matter. And I will make sure my less fortunate brothers and sisters do not fall for his shenanigans as well----I am a young person, and WE are who you should be concerned about because WE are going to CHANGE how this country operates. Praise God for Obama and Michelle of reminding us of this, and reinvigorating that energy and belief within us.
All of my sisters will shed tears when we get to see a STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, Sister grace the American public as the First Lady in January 2009. I hope you Mr. Smiley are ready for that.

"Networking"

2007-11-29T11:28:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to a "networking" event in Beverly Hills. I use the word networking lightly because from what I observed, it seemed as if there was a lot more scoping and checking out going on, as opposed to meeting and conversing. Now I'll admit, I have a tendency to be a little closed off when I enter a new place. Ok, a LOT closed off. But that's only because I am checking my surroundings, and taking in the environment. Also, I like to people watch! It's probably one of the many entertaining things I've done out here in LA.

The spot was nice and mellow, the scene was another story. Alot of folks of color in the place, which was cool. Also, there were literally more men then women (a rarity out here)---but that didn't mean a damn thing. Two women I was sitting next to made a comment on how the men out here are different then the men they are used to (they are from the South). "This is sad, they are just standing around looking at each other expecting us to approach and start a conversation with them" one of them said.

Unfortunately I couldn't disagree with her because from my observation, everything she was saying was true. Literally three tall, handsome brothas in suits walked into the place and literally strutted through to the back and posed for about and hour before bouncing. The scene played straight like a fashion runway show. They just stood there and talked to each other---I mean, they could've stayed at the office and did that. I caught two other guys at the bar just standing and drinking, and chatting. When a woman came and started talking to one of them, the other one just stood there looking like he didn't know what to do---"should I introduce myself to the other three women around me?, no no they must acknowledge and approach me first!". We never did, and literally 15+ minutes went by and dude was still looking for someone to come and save him.

I have to say, from a woman's perspective, it wasn't very attractive. I like people in general who are assertive, and go after what they want---especially men. Not that I'm saying there is anything wrong with women who approach men, but I prefer not to do that. Because if I do, I feel as a man---you should understand that (in my mind)you've already been downgraded to friend/associate status hence forth...regardless of how FINE you are.

Stupid Things

2007-10-22T15:04:00.000-07:00

On Saturday night at about 2 am in the morning, I ran out of gas on the freeway. Possibly the most irresponsible, stupidst thing I've ever done to date. I have never experienced anything like that before. Breaks going bad (check), engine exploding because I failed to have an oil change (check), car accident (check, check & check). But never before have I run out of gas...and let me tell you, there is nothing more embarassing---at 2 am I wanted to call my sister and roomate, but how do you explain to someone at 2 in the morning that you ran out of gas, cause truth be told I was just lazy/in a rush and didn't want to stop and get any. No other excusable reason for my stupidity. Nonetheless, I learned my lesson....my tank will be refilled as soon as it's 1/4 above E. No more waiting for the light to come on, or assuming that extra 30mi. after the light will get me through...uh, uh. I've truly learned my lesson.

Sad, I know, but true.

2007-10-19T11:33:00.000-07:00

My mom came out a few weeks ago, and she said something to me that at first I resisted, but after an incident that occured yesterday, I find my self questioning whether she was right.

What did she say? She said that I was mean. Of course when she first said it, I just shrugged it off, and thought nothing of it. But, it's my mom, so of course anything that she says is ALWAYS going to weigh heavy on my mind, cause who knows you better than the person who birthed you?

Random Thoughts

2007-09-30T03:17:00.000-07:00

It's about 3 something in the AM, and I can't sleep. Is this a blessing or a curse? Whatever it is, I have to turn to my computer to focus my attention. The questions that roam my brain are often about the future, mostly in respect to where I am in my career, and the things I want to accomplish, the life I want to live. I want to travel outside of the US so badly. I'm watching an independent film titled Love & Hate, and it seems to take place in England. I want to visit there, and also Italy, and Australia. It would be very ideal if a job could take me there.

You ever get the feeling that you are not living? That's what I am feeling right now. I feel as if there is so much world out there for me to see, and yet my eyes are closed.

(sigh)

Kanyeezee Continued

2007-09-14T17:28:00.000-07:00

I am still on a high from yesterday. I went to a taping of Jimmy Kimmel Live to see the one and only Kanye West. Needless to say it was a FABULOUS night! We sat in the greenroom and watched the show, which was cool cause we didn't have to be amongst the crazy crowd---and you get free food and drinks, and on occasion you can spot a celeb or 2. The ones last night were Simon Rex (who?), and some dude who I can't even remember his name (shows how much of an A-lister he is). But by far it was the best taping I've been to. The crazed Brittany Spears fan was the opening segment (shuddering). Interesting is probably the best word to describe his interview, outside of uncomfortable and weird. Kanye's interview was pretty good. His energy in the interview was a little surprising, considering he just sold 400+ thousand albums, and is likely to be crowned #1 on the Billboard charts. He seemed really sad and frustrated. He was still harboring over some BS that went down at the MTV VMA Awards, and mind you Kimmel didn't mention them when he asked the question---Kanye just unabashedly spilled his guts on the subject (this man can talk). I have to say though, after watching him up there talking about how he is an emotional person, etc. I've kinda come to admire him. I mean, yes he is extreme, but the man is passionate about his work, and he works pretty hard to ensure that it comes out in his music. At the end of the day he just wants to be respected, so he says, in every way possible. And while it is unlikely that he will have every body's respect, you can't knock the man for trying.

I always wonder though if folks like that ever get any satisfaction, even after accomplishing what they set out to do?

Kanyeezee!!!!

2007-09-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

Religion

2007-09-08T09:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning I was watching a news clip online of Juanita Bynum. She was holding a press conference and speaking for the first time of an incident in which her husband brutally attacked her. As I was watching this conference though, I found that I wasn't really moved by anything that she was saying. Like I was trying really, really hard to hear a semblance of realness from the words that were coming out of her mouth...but I didn't hear any. I can quite possibly be a tad jaded, because I do work in the industry, and I have somewhat of an understanding of how the PR game works...but I just imagine that if I were to go through something like that, and had a couple of days to compose myself, then I presented myself in front of the media --- some part of my speech or story would reek with emotion, and I didn't see it at all. By all means I am not judging this woman, and I was mortified like others when I heard what happened. I just wonder if this incident will be her mission for the purpose of furthering God's will...or hers?

Lately I've been tripping about religion and religious folks, and yeah it could be the fact that I haven't been to church in weeks. But I just feel like irresponsible religion causes people to hide a part of who they truly are, and I don't think they benefit or others around them truly benefit.

Who knows, maybe I am the one whose confused.

Resentment

2007-09-08T00:29:00.001-07:00

Well, I must say that after a fabulous weekend in ATL for the Labor Day holiday, I was a little resentful of the fact that I had to return to Cali. I became even more resentful throughout the week, as for the one day I had off seemed to have caused me to be behind for the entire week. I feel extremely discombobulated --- I left out the office with my desk looking a hot mess! Not to mention I have alot of things that I didn't get to and need to follow-up on as soon as I get in on Monday. A damn shame...the weekend hasn't even begun, yet already I am thinking about my next work week. (sigh)

So lets reminisce for a moment...the weekend. It was fabulous! My beautiful siSTAR Joelle got married on Saturday. I love going to weddings...not because they put you in that romantic mood, but because they give you hope. Black love is just beautiful, and it's even more awesome when you can see the love spewing from 2 peoples eyes. It's like a feeling of optimism, like "Wow, things like this actually do exist". The wedding was beautiful, and Joelly looked gorgeous. Amazing how so many of us are taking that step. A step that I don't see myself taking until the min. age of 30. (YES, you read correctly)

I partied my ass off this weekend. Man! I haven't partied that hard since my college days. And I have to say, it was GREAT. I recognize that that is what I am missing out here in LA. Everyone seems to be so uptight, do-good, or just plain too old to remember what it meant to have fun. Nobody is loose, or fun...hell---I can't remember when I last laughed so much...oh, that's right, it was this past weekend. Now, I was a tad inebriated...so that quite possibly could've contributed to my joy. However, the mere fact that I was able to drink amongst folks who too were up for a good time was refreshing...it'd been a long long time! And it was so, so much fun.

Yeah, resentful I am...damn. I wonder how long this feeling is going to last?

I've Got a Crush...

2007-07-30T15:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have a crush. Yes, I know...ri-damn-diculous considering how long it's been since I've had one of these. But it is a cool crush, because it is from afar. It's a guy who works at the job...but the good thing is, we don't work directly with one another. In fact, he is in a totally different department...not even in my building. I see him maybe once a week if I'm lucky, and when I do I often think "Hmm, he's cute". He is, and he has nice teeth...a big time PLUS for me :). Anyways, recently I was outed by a girlfriend who I shared my interest with. High school much? Yeah, just a little, but the sad part is it didn't really matter, because he has no idea who I am---BUT, he did tell her to tell me to introduce myself to him. Now if you know me, you know that I am pretty bold and talkative in just about any setting, however when it comes to someone I like---not so much. I am extremely shy, not mention nervous. So I have yet to introduce myself...not sure when it's gonna happen, but it will.

Did I mention that I actually tried, but failed? LOL...ok, that's a story for another day. :)

It's Been a Long Time...

2007-06-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's been a minute since I've been on the blog punching out keys to express myself. Honestly though, a sista's been on the grind working hard to get out of debt! LOL...yes, I've taken on about 2 other jobs to get out of CC debt. And I am proud to say---Praise the Lord---I have a zero balance on 1 of the 2 cards that I was trying to eliminate. :) It is a great feeling too...it was a little hard trying to stay disciplined and patient---I've been submitting $200 every week for the past 3 months---but I have to say it's not as painful as one might think. I've had to skip out on a few invites, shop for my food vs. grabbing fast food and going out to restaurants, and spend my money wisely by prioritizing, and thinking before I spend (Do I really NEED this, or do I WANT this?).

Needless to say, it has worked, as I am elated because I only have a few hundred dollars to go on my other card...oh, another thing that helped me out was not having access to my cards. I keep them locked up in my room, and not in my purse or wallet---another way of helping me to stay out of debt by resisting the urge to charge just because I can...lol...say what you want, but it works.

With that said, I may be able to rant more, so I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or a bad thing. But I hope to have more positive things to announce.

DEBT FREE IS THE WAY TO BE BABY!!!! I just don't know what I'm going to do with myself :)

Videos

2007-04-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

Check over at www.illvids.blospot.com, watch the videos, and give feedback--- Positive & Constructive comments are only welcome! :)

Pure Comedy

2007-04-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

What an interesting morning. Ok, literally just a few hours ago one of my co-workers just informed me that she does drugs. And no, I'm not talking about any simple stuff like weed, I'm talking about some real mess like E or X---aka ecstasy. It was probably the funniest thing (in my mind of course), because as soon as she got in today I noticed her lip was swollen. I immediately asked who did she get into a fight with, and if we were gonna have to bust somebody up? She laughed and was like, "No, unless we are gonna bust me up, because I did this". Apparently she bit her lip while high on some E. Now just to give you an idea of how "unaware" I am (some may say naive) , as soon as she said it I was like "what"? She was like E, you know ecstasy? I was like, oh, yeah, ecstasy...right. And then she said how cool it was, and told us (yes, another co-worker was also listening) about how she could see energy---a side effect of the drug. But as I was sitting there listening, I just thought to myself how damn uncomfortable I was feeling about how comfortable she was with telling me all of this. I absolutely adore this girl, and am by no means judging her, but damn---some things you just don't say out loud! Hell, out loud at work! I was at a loss of words---hilarity at it's finest.

Note to self: You think you know....but do you really know?

I fell in love with a Sagittarius...

2007-04-11T16:55:00.000-07:00

I'm a Sagittarius, and today while browsing through one of my many favorite websites, I came across this interesting description of a Sagitarius...hmm...a little too close for comfort.

SAGiTTARiUS *
-- Spontaneous.
-- Horny.
-- Freak in Bed.
-- High sex appeal.
-- Rare to find.
-- Great when found.
-- Loves being in long relationships.
-- The one
-- So much love to give
-- Not one to mess wit
-- Very pretty.
-- Very romantic.
-- Nice to everyone They meet.
-- Their Love is one of a kind.
-- Silly, fun and sweet.
-- Have own unique sexiness.
-- Most caring person you will ever meet!
-- Amazing n Bed..!!!
-- Did I say Amazing in Bed?
-- not the kind of person you wanna f**k with...
-- might end up crying

Words From a Brotha

2007-04-09T17:48:00.000-07:00

I have to write about this memorable incident. Last Saturday, I was in Leimert Park getting my hair done. Leimert Park is a nice little area of black owned shops and businesses. If you catch the opening of "Moesha", you'll see her dancing in front of a huge water fountain---that's Leimert Park. Well anyways, as I was getting my hair done, I remembered that I was parked at a meter and my time was about to expire. I needed to go out and put in some more change in order to extend my time. The funniest, yet pleasant thing occured as I went outside, with my hair half way done (looking busted as hell), and my beauty shop garment on. This brotha, who is probably in his mid-thirties if not older, walks by and exclaims how black women are so beautiful. "Black women, oh my God, yall are so beautiful. Oh my, God knew what he was doing when he made black women cause yall are just the best thing I've ever laid my eyes on." As he continues to walk past me, he just can't help himself. He stops, and comes right back to add how "I can't even stay in this place for too long, cause yall are just so beautiful, I can't even concentrate." He continues, and then pauses and comes back for one more round---it was something complimentary, and I just smiled and said thank-you.

Ahhh...it was just nice to be complimented by a man, in LA, who wasn't even trying to hit on me, but just felt compelled to say what was on his mind. I was trully tickled inside :)

Cleanse

2007-04-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

Oooooh weeeee! Today I am doing a thorough cleanse so I can get my mind right, and I am so excited! No not a bodily cleanse, but an environment cleanse. Lately my mind has been extremely cluttered, and I couldn't figure out why. I soon realized that it must be my living space, since everytime I came home---I avoided entering it. All that is going to change today, because as soon as I get out of this office I will be hitting up the major 3...Target, Ikea, & Kmart.

A cleanse is gonna come! :)

Reaching

2007-04-02T15:21:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a blast for me. Though I was busy all weekend long doing things for other people and not serving any purpose for myself at all, it turned out to be pretty good. I helped a few co-workers out on a production of a short webisode series. It ws funny as hell, and just nice to be around positve, hillarious people who are really down to earth and productive.

My eyes were opened wide this weekend. I gotta start moving to the beat of my own drum, and I need to beat the hell out of it. I feel like I need to aggressively expand my mind and think on a whole new level. Literally my eyes were opened very very wide this weekend. It's like I'm so limited in what I want for myself, but then something occurs in my life and allows me to see that "wait a minute, I can do that too?".

I need to reach higher because I deserve greater and I am more than capable of having a whole hell of lot. So very capable.

"I Want You"

2007-03-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

I don't think I can truly express how much I admire Marvin Gaye (sigh). His music, and lyrics literally take my breath away. Here is an example of his beautiful words:

I want you the right way, I want you.
But I want you to want me too.
Want you to want me, babyJust like I want you.

I give you all the love I want in return sweet darlin'
But half a love is all I feel.
It's too bad, it's just too sad, you don't want me now
But I'm gonna change your mind, someway, somehow, oh baby.

This one way love is just a fantasy, oh sugar.
To share is precious, pure and fair.
Don't play with something you should cherish for life, oh baby.
Don't you wanna care, aint it lonely out there.

When I close my eyes and think about these words (To share is precious, pure and fair), I think "damn, look where music once was". This man's words were thoughtful and had meaning...I mean you can literally feel his emotions through his song. These days we'd be lucky to get any feeling at all.

All musicians...err, entertainers should look into being schooled about this man, his work, and his message. He was smooth, and yet his sound, style, and music had so much meaning...it almost seems as if it were effortless.

Today I pay homage to him by reflecting on his work. If you don't have any of his albums, by all means cop his greatest hits---it is simply deep.

Sisters Empowering Sisters

2007-03-26T20:20:00.000-07:00

This weekend I had the great privilege of attending The Image Initiative's "Sisters Empowering Sisters" conference. To say it was an amazing experience is an understatement. We (My sis, Nic, & Chevy) flew to Syracuse NY, Thursday evening to make it to the 2 day conference which began on Friday. Our plane didn't get in until a little after 10:30am Friday morning, so we didn't make it to the first half of the conference. However, we definitely made it right on time for the 'Sister Circle', which was an experience that I honestly can't even come close to describing with mere words. Lets just say I was in tears...and I mean tears of joy, sadness, hope, and understanding. The moment I stepped into the conference, my heart literally skipped a beat. It was a room full of black and brown teenage girls just engaged in a speaker who was talking about living with HIV. I just sat back and observed these young women and tears filled my eyes. I mean, I sat back and I conversed with God in my head because I knew right then just sitting there that he was tapping me on my shoulder telling me to look up and pay attention because they (these beautiful girls) are who I am obligated to. No if ands or buts about it. I have a responsibility to make it in this world, so that I can be an example for these young women, and so that they can know that there are plenty of choices and opportunities out there for them---whatever it is that they want to do, they can do it...and more.

I went to this conference hoping and praying to inspire at the least 1 little girl. But I left NY being inspired by every last one of them. My little sisters empowered me :)

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

2007-03-21T21:45:00.000-07:00

I referenced "Confessions of a BET Producer" in my last post. For those who haven't seen or heard about this...here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lm0mEfL8S9s

Had, Husselled, & Hoodwinked???

2007-03-20T20:32:00.000-07:00

Is it possible that we as members of society are being had, hussled, and hoodwinked in facets of our lives that we'd never expect???

WORK: Think about it...I work in a corporate environment, where people instill such fear in "underlings" that folks are afraid to approach them even on a human level. This especially with peeps who are of a higher status in title (CEOs, VPs, etc). I mean hell, they sit so high on their horse that if a person of say my stature dare approaches them, then there's a high possiblity that I will be reprimanded for doing such. You're probably asking, who the **** do these people think they are? God? Yes, believe you me...I've often asked the same question on many occassions.

TV: When you're done dwelling on that note, think about the powers of influence that are having such a great effect on our 'folk. I am a black female, so ideally Black Entertainment Television (BET) is supposed to cater to me. I was deeply disturbed, however, when I watched Confessions of a BET Producer. Disturbed at how a coorporation has taken something that was meant to empower, enlighten, and allow 'folk to vent out their frustration, and essentially turn it into something that they PURPOSEFULLY set out to negatively influence 'folk, and profit from. Let me break it down in lamens terms, the KKK are getting BILLIONS of dollars off of us demoralizing, degrading, & disrespecting one another. LOL (maybe that was a little extreme) but you get the point. But seriously, when you think about it...these people don't even have to lay a finger on us, because we are doing the dirty work for them, and making them soo much money by doing so. I actually thought about calling my cable company and having them remove the channel off of my box...I even took it further and thought about creating a BOYCOTT BET website. Then I thought about that fact that there are people who work there and have families or are trying to survive and pay bills (almost like a prostitute, doing whatever they have to do to get paid---but I digress)...and I'm not into taking food out of people's mouths. But damn, can a sista get some balance? It is just frustrating, because I know that a change isn't going to come until their numbers are affected. I may just need to start that website, huh?

POLITICS: Now let's move onto politics. Conspiracy theory: Recall on Spinach, Dog Food Recall??? How much do you want to make a bet that there is more to this story than the goverment is willing to reveal. The terrorist did warn us you know.

Had, Husselled, & Hoodwinked??? I think so.

A Better Quality of Life

2007-03-19T01:18:00.000-07:00

I want a better quality of life. I don't want to be rich, but I do want to be able to live a life where if I wanted to, I could get whatever it is that I want. I never had a taste for name brand, or rather the "finer things". I just simply like the idea of being able to handle my business, such as paying for my car repairs when my engine breaks down, or paying my rent without having to save half of last weeks paycheck, etc.

I have this strong need for indepence, and the need to achieve the things that I've set out to do before I can become remotely comfortable with doing anything else, like going out to dinner or chilling with my friends at the movies, etc. It has almost become a sickness to some degree. No, I take that back...not a sickness, but an obsession. I kinda feel like some things need to be put on the back burner in order for me to fulfill this void of accomplishment.

This weekend I have been on a high like I've never been before for 2 days straight, all because I completed my first draft of my speculatory script. Mind you, I've been working on this spec for what seems like ages. But the feeling and pride that I feel from this accomplisment, no matter how long it took me, is like no other feeling that I've had before. I mean I literally feel like I'm the shiznit, and can do anything that I set my mind out to do. Not to mention that I read my script, and at times had to ask myself "Damn, did I write this?" LOL, I laugh right now becasue if you know me you know that I am one who is rarely prideful, especially when it comes to my writing. I am actually very humble, to the point where I somewhat lack confidence in myself and my ability.

However, after crossing that finish line, I've never felt better about my future, and about being able to provide that better quality of life that I so long for... and can't nobody stop me from doing so.

I Want to Change the World

2007-03-18T01:50:00.000-07:00

I've come to the conclusion that I want to change the world. I don't want to run it, rule it, or rape it of it's riches. But I do in fact want to change it. I laugh as I write this, because that is a bold ass statement to make. I realized it today, tonight...hell I think I've known for a while. But all of a sudden it just hit me like a brick wall. And the even funnier part is, I know that I am going to. I can't explain it, again I know that it is a bold ass statement, but I do. I can feel it in my spirit, and I know that I won't leave this earth until I do what I have been set out to do. Mind you I don't know how exactly I'm going to do this, but I know that I am. One day at a time...one day at a time.

Great Expectations

2007-03-16T00:32:00.000-07:00

I really should be in bed right now. I am soo freaking tired, however I had to get this out. Ever heard of the power of 3? You know the saying that when something comes to you 3 times, then it must be a sign?

That happened to me this week, regarding 'Great Expectations'. I went to see a girlfriends one act play on Monday, titled "Great Expectations"; the book that I ordered from Amazon.com titled "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens arrived to my home on Monday, and on my soap "One Life to Live", they had a scene where kids in a class were doing a report/reading none other than "Great Expectations".

Clearly a sign for me to expect great things right? And needless to say...I expect great things, and so much more. I've kinda already received a glimpse of what they just might be.

:D

Arrested Development

2007-03-07T22:33:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here watching what I would probably call my favorite channel---VH1 Soul. And of course my favorite program, Soul 2, is on. Low and behold, the 90s group Arrested Development pops up on the screen. The song playing is "Revolution", from the 'Malcolm X' soundtrack. I just sit back in amazement as I watch the video because in retrospect the 90s wasn't that long ago. In fact, it was less than 10 years ago, yet what I see on the screen is so far from the videos I am unfortunately exposed to today. 'Folk were portrayed as united, strong, and cultured. I mean they were really into representing our roots and heritage, with there African garments, dances, and words. The lyrics that Speech raps are intelligent, encouraging, and insightful...literally making me want to go out and start a revolution.

What happened to them, where is our Arrested Development of the 21st century?

My enthusiam to start a revolution quickly fizzled when I saw Beyonce's new "Upgrade U" video. I just think she could've took it to a whole new level, but she chose to do what she usually do---which I'm sure isn't hurting her financially, so why fix what's not broken, right?

Forgive them father, for they know not what they do.

Kids

2007-03-06T12:31:00.000-08:00

What's up with kids today? I was watching the news yesterday morning while in the doctor's office, only to see that 2 teenagers were arrested for "teaching" a 2 and 4 year old how to smoke weed. Yes, let me write that again...FOR TEACHING A 2 and 4 YEAR OLD HOW TO SMOKE MARIJUANA! I can't even describe how sick I felt after viewing this (good thing I was at the doctor), and it didn't help that they were 'folk either. I found myself looking around the office to see who else was watching this, and after noticing that there was 1 "tall" patient in the lobby I felt a little compelled to walk up to him and say, "Sir, we don't all teach our children how to smoke weed, those are just some ignant mo'fos who clearly are dimented and need an immediate psychiatric evaluation". Of course I didn't say this, but still there was a slight hint of embarrassment. And I asked myself why? Why do you even care? "That isn't and never will be you" is what I told myself. But I realize I care because I always feel like things like this can be prevented. And I empathize on all sides---the babies, the babies' parents, and the whack teens who did such a stupid thing, and then took it to another level of stupidity when they recorded it (clearly, they have issues). But more importantly I do empathize, because I'm sure if they had the same resources as I had as a child, they would have known better, and would have had more options of entertainment than watching 2 babies choke on some dope. I cringe at the very thought...and then I think "God what are you trying to tell me?" Why does this piss me off so much? Again, the answer is right in front of me, and yet I'm just not ready or willing to look at it.

Runaway Love

2007-03-06T12:11:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been running away from a love that I shouldn't be running away from. He's constantly on my mind, and in my head I'm always talking to him...yet I keep running away. Today I heard him distinctly say my name and call on me before I went into the office this morning, and I can't help but feel guilty because I haven't answered. I think about him all the time, and I know what I must do, yet I can't even put into words what is holding me back. Fear? No. Lack of strength? Possibly. I really am stumped as to what it is. Only time will tell...

It's Just a Matter of Respect

2007-02-27T12:24:00.000-08:00

I had a long conversation on Sunday night with someone I've loved all of my life. And it was somewhat of a role reversal, where I was the advisor listening to all of his/her problems. As I was listening I could tell it was a release of so much frustration going on in his/her life, and whether I felt like being attentive or not, it needed to happen. He/She has been going through it with their wife/husband. The significant other had disrespected he/she by calling them out of their name. At that point I couldn't continue to listen, I had to immediately interject "What? Wait a minute, how do you even get to a point in your marriage where that occurs?". In my mind, disrespecting someone by calling them out of their name shows not only a lack of intelligence but a lack of respect...PERIOD, no if ands or buts. He/She did admit that they too have called their significant other out of their name as well, and at that point I could not refrain from speaking my peace. I told him/her that no matter how far someone else in the relationship goes in regards to disrespect, it is his/her responsibility to maintain their sense of integrity in spite of their circumstance. And these are adults, so childish things like name calling just shouldn't even happen, let alone between 2 people who are MARRIED. It's like being locked down in jail for life with a cell mate who you at first get along really well with, but then after some disagreement and/or a falling out, you have a hard time moving forward--because you can forgive what was said but not necessarily forget. I don't believe in everything being all peaches and cream, and I do recognize that people have to stop being polite and start getting real (especially within an intimate relationship), but I do however believe that people should choose their words wisely.

If I've learned anything from my past relationships though, it's that no matter how they ended I could always walk away with my head held high because I maintained my sense of integrity. It's simply just a matter of respect...for them, but more importantly for me.

Exhale

2007-02-26T10:21:00.000-08:00

I release and let go of all past hurts, misunderstandings and grudges because I am abundantly blessed! I recognize them as the illusions they are, and sent from the enemy to kill my spirit, steal my joy, and destroy my faith.

You're Beautiful

2007-02-24T23:42:00.000-08:00

As I was sitting in the chair today at the beauty shop getting my hair twisted, my hairdresser's brother entered the shop along with his girlfriend and friend. Kari took one look at his girlfriend from a distance and asked that he send her down so she could figure out "What's going on with her hair?" When she came over I noticed how cute this girl was, she was in a wife beater t-shirt, a sports bra, short cheerleader shorts, and some tennis shoes. In fact, all of the entourage had looked as if they'd just came from working out or taking a few laps around a track. When asked about the status of her hair she replied "Sherry put a weave in it for a photo shoot". And what a weave it was---it was long, black, and wavy. They continued in conversation, and eventually began talking about a party that she (whom I'll refer to as YBF, only because I forgot her name) went to with her boyfriend (Kari's brother- KB). Kari expressed how she heard about what happened at the party. YBF replied, "Oh you did...look at this, this is from the party". YBF proceeded to show Kari and myself scars and bruises that seemed to have slightly healed from this party that she and KB attended. The first thought that came to my mind was "what type of partying were you doing?" As I continued to listen to the conversation, it became obvious that it was some teeny bopper house party they attended where a girl invited a friend, who then invited some of her friends outside of the circle of those who were invited. I guess these "friends" were some unruly chicks who seemed to take pleasure out of starting trouble, and so they began to pick on a girl (a latina) who outwardly looked as if she didn't know anyone. Little did they know when they started beefing with her, that she had a whole room full of allies. One of them being YBF, who quickly came to the defense of her friend, therefore resulting in her getting all scarred up. I just sat there in the chair listening to this story, but I'm sure by the expression on my face this young lady could tell I was in shock because I would've never thought from her mannerisms and her grace that she could be involved in such a scuffle. Not to mention, I wanted to tell her..."girl, you're too beautiful and bright to be getting all caught up in that foolishness." But I didn't have to say a word because Kari said it all when she was telling her that they had no business being out there anyways, and how it ain't nothing new (essentially the same script, different cast)...oh, and they should've been in church instead.

Oh, I left out the fact that after the chicks began scrapping, there were dudes at the party who began to beef as well, only they were threatening to go grab some "fire", or whatever ridiculous term is used to describe guns. Yeah, that is when my mouth was wide open after hearing that...I mean, YBF is a young lady, yet still a kid....if that even makes sense. She expressed how she was really scared after hearing that. I'm thinking to myself "Why even be in such an environment?", and then it dawned on me...she's young, and she wants to have fun---which she said they were all having a great time up until that point. The sad part was when YBF expressed how the girls who started the mess were laughing and smiling, as if they were taking pleasure or kinda got a high from all the mess and drama they were causing. I sat back and thought about that...what kinda life does a person lead or rather lack, that they would take pleasure in someone else's pain? (this is actually 1 of many semptoms of a psycopath). That's when I became sad about the girls. Not necessarily the girls that were picked on, but the girls who were doing the picking as well. Because not only did these girls lack respect for others, but it was so clear that they were lacking self-esteem and love for themselves as well.

That's why I've decided to make sure that when I see someone (male or female) that grabs my eye because of their beauty, I will make sure to let them know...and I will have no shame in doing so, because truth be told you never know what someone is going through, and a simple compliment can do a whole for somebody's self-esteem.

You're Beautiful!

Family Affair

2007-02-20T23:31:00.000-08:00

I have a huge smile on my face right now, and there is only 1 thing that can cause such joy in my heart---my family. My father and stepmom are here right now in CA, and when they leave town, 5 days later my mother will be here. Ecstatic doesn't even come close to describing how I feel. Ever since I've been out here, I've been traveling home back and forth, and never once had the 'rents opted to come out here and visit my sister and I. I mean, they'd been threatening to for some time now, but I didn't really think it would happen. I just really LOVE my family, and am so happy for the time that I have with them right now. I LOVE the fact that they remind me of what is important, and that this world out here is not reality. Hell, it's not even home...well, maybe temporarily for the time being. I laugh thinking about how I took my fam on a ride through Hollywood and my father saw a "tall" woman with an extreme tan. "Eww, she looks like she sat in the tanning bed too long, she is burnt. Almost look like an orange!" LOL, that's my father for you, ever the comedian he is. My stepmom took a look at some skinny chick walking down the boulevard and quickly noted "Ooh, we don't have that problem in the south". The problem of anorexia that is, LOL. That's why I LOVE my family, because they have a simple way of putting things in perspective...by simply being themselves, loving me...and allowing me to LOVE them.

Courage & Fear

2007-02-19T23:17:00.000-08:00

It's such a small word with such a big meaning. I struggle with it everyday it seems, but by the grace of God my courage seems to grow everyday. I recognize that it is going to allow me to elevate to the next level, in just about every aspect of my life. ..and I can't wait.

Fear seems to be a mere distraction, placed in my path so that I will not fulfill my purpose. It's amazing how things become so clear once you recognize and acknowledge that you were put on this earth for a reason. It really puts life in perspective, and the things that seemed important before, just aren't anymore.

Yes...fear is a mere distraction...an enemy that I am more than willing and able to conquer and overcome.

A Concerned Female

2007-02-17T15:50:00.000-08:00

What kind of state are we in today as women where we feel that to have a voice means that we are a threat?

To have an opinion means that one should proceed with caution when in our presence?

To have a mind means that clearly we are doomed in terms of success because our male counterparts who have a lot of “power” can’t compete with those of us who happen to think for ourselves?

Call me a conspiracy feminist, but I believe this has led the drones and their egos to devise a plan in which we will cater to their need and will, and always know our place in their land…after all this is a man’s world.

These chauvinists have conceded us in such a backward thought pattern that we ourselves even attempt to pull one another down because we feel and believe that we actually have to compete with one another.

And for what? For the gentleman who drives the nice Benz, or the CEO of the record company, or even the guy who is the president of his own fashion line?

Seriously ladies, wake up and stop eating the BS that they have been feeding you, because if you spent half as much time and brain power on attaining the knowledge and skills to gain what “he” has and more, you wouldn’t have time to downgrade one another...rather you’d have time to uplift each other in healthy competition.

Think about it, because these mongrels have you content in a position where you will never access your full level of potential and they are reaping all of the benefits of your ignorance.

Stop looking to define yourself by their mediocre standards. You are better than simply bending over shaking it like a saltshaker.

Stop looking for acceptance from someone who can’t accept who you are and won’t allow you to flourish into more than what they've defined you to be.

--j.j.

Limited

2007-02-16T17:05:00.000-08:00

A friend recently asked my opinion of the lack of support Senator Obama's getting from other black leaders in his bid for President, and the idea that many of them are siding with Hillary. To him, it's...well "mind blowing" to say the least, and he doesn't understand. He attached an article that focused on how 2 black Senators in S.C. are throwing up their support for Hillary. Now, let me say that without having the details of why they support this woman, I immediately came to the conclusion that these guys are just going with what they know, and I find that a lot of Clinton era individuals are extremely loyal to both Hillary and Bill. Kind of like how things are in the workforce, people hire who they like and know will get the job done. So clearly the same could be applied to this situation. Well, you can imagine my surprise when I read that one of the Senator's reasoning for siding with Hillary wasn't necessarily because he "believes" in her, but that he believes Obama, because he is black, will bring the party down. After reading this statement, I found myself re-reading the article, because I could not believe that this man, whom is black himself, could actually be so limited in his thinking. He himself, whom is also a Senator, went on record and said such a thing. It made me sit back and ponder what will come in the next few months of the campaign for President in '08. I empathize with Obama, a man who seems to be questioned not only by his white counterparts, but also by his black brethren. And I liken the lack of support from the latter with a gut punch to the stomach. It's a shame when people can't look at themselves and see how far they've come, and not apply that same belief and enthusiasm to others. When the senator put his words out there into the atmosphere, he hurt not only Obama, but himself as well. Even if he doesn't believe in Obama, he didn't have to publicly shun him in such an ignorant and limited fashion. All I have to say is if this man's race is the only ammunition you've got to try and stop him from attaining his goal of becoming President, then good luck to you, because luck only is what's going to get you so far, if that.

Mind Blowing

2007-02-14T23:32:00.000-08:00

Lord knows I should probably be reading the good book right now, trying to gain more wisdom, insight, and understanding---maybe then my mind would be put at ease. "Mind blowing"---that's the title of a song by a chick from the 90's who went by the name of 'Smoothe'. I always wondered what happened to her, she was pretty bad (so I thought), because she was rapping and singing. And yeah she actually had a real voice, unlike some of these manufactured entertainers today. But, as usual, I digress. My title is the way I've been feeling about a lot of things lately, and thus why I have a lot of questions: How is it that in this "progressive" world we live in, people who do sneaky and backstabbing things, seem to thrive and be rewarded for their actions? How do they even sleep at night? How can someone who yearns for love, not be willing to offer it themselves? How can someone insult you for trying to achieve your dream of being independent and self-sufficient? Is being real a friend who is not? Again, why do assholes continue to succeed and surpass those who are diligent, and hardworking? Why are people threatened by my intelligence, my dilligence, and presence? What the hell does the color of my skin have to do with anything? Why are things that should be so simple, so complicated? Are there even any answers to my questions?

I think there are, and they could be staring me right in the face. I'm just not sure I'm ready to look at them.

2007-02-13T18:01:00.000-08:00

Suddenly I felt the urge to create a blog. Why, you ask? Honestly, I'm in need of an outlet to place my thoughts. For about 80% of the day, I am sitting in front of a computer...so why not send out some of the crazy ideas and thoughts that come across my mind into the blogosphere? Lately I've been having some crazy dreams, and feeling somewhat anxious. As if I am behind, or not moving within my full potential...needless to say after looking at this dope website, www.jovanders.com, I realized how correct I am. This was definitely the motivation I needed to stop thinking/talking about it and just do it! So here I am...